Goodbye Ordinary

Day 4: Fake it to make it

Posted on: April 4, 2013

This morning I was awake and out the door in record time. 5 minutes to be exact.

My 5:33am alarm went off and apparently I turned it off in a dead sleep. The 2nd alarm at 5:44am went off and I grabbed my phone, thinking it was the earlier alarm and about to press snooze, until I read the numbers. Crap! I bolted up, ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth, slipped into my TOMS shoes, and dashed out the door. 5:49 is what the clock in my car read. Phew. I’ll be right on track.

And so it began.

Today is going to be one of *those* days. I have a doctor’s appointment that I am dreading. Tomorrow is going to be a bad day at work. All I want is for it to be after 5pm on Friday so that I can be out to dinner with my best friend, who I don’t see anywhere near frequently enough, and I can blissfully forget about the stress in my life.

If only.

This morning’s practice was so “me”. Hip openers. Ahhhh, sweet, sweet, heavenly hip openers. Pigeon = love.

Here’s my daily dose of random tangent: if I was ever in a band (which I wouldn’t be.. unless I was the dancer for one or a groupie or something)… I would totally call it “twisted pigeon”. The thought makes me giggle every time we do that pose and I hear Kath say “twisted pigeon” in her slightly witty tone.

Anyway, I realized today that I have SO much chatter in my head. It doesn’t stop. I breathe, the world stops, but my mind is like “salfjdakljfldjalsjqlajsdafLKDJALSD-RAH!” and it takes that quiet time and it runs so fast, i’m pretty convinced that it is burning a million calories and I should be an extremely sculpted twig for all that it’s doing.

Sadly, it just makes me a giant ball of stress. I don’t want to hear it! GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Even when I make a conscious effort to shut it all off, it’s there. There are moments when I overcome it and I’m like ooooh, listen, the ocean is in my breath. Sweet. And then it’s like… “Hey look, a wave. Someone’s surfing. There’s a party. Must join. Be the center of attention. LOOK AT MEEEEE. I’m heeeere. Helloooooo”. My mind annoys me.

My muscles aren’t strong, though they are pretty flexible. My mind muscle? Obviously is the weakest (and tightest) component. I am stubborn. I do NOT like it when my plans get screwed up, or it turns out that I was wrong. And apparently I have even less control of where my mind goes than I thought I did. Some moments are better than others of course, but geez. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if I had adult ADHD.

I’m a mess.

So today, I took that mess of a self that I found at yoga, threw on some dress clothes, and off I went to work. Faking it. Faking being put together. Just like sometimes I feel that even in yoga, I’m faking it. Faking “strength”. Faking balance. Faking presence. Because while my poses may look “better” than someone elses, or more advanced… My mind is off the wall. Often times I’m on the verge of a break; Break through? Break down? Psychotic break? I’m not sure.

 photo IMG_20130404_081338_zpsab551232.jpg

From the mat to the office.

This is a reminder that we never really know what is going on inside someone. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover. Because though I look put together. I’m a mess.

As each breath passes, and each time I get on my mat to confront myself, it gets better though. I change. I grow. I open up. One of these days I’ll realize, I’m not faking it.

Hang in there.

Namaste,

Brin

P.S. My kids were both occupying themselves, so I just decided to pop the Ultimate Yogi Hardcore DVD in and completed that too! 😀 Om!

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2 Responses to "Day 4: Fake it to make it"

I totally have a monkey mind as well! That ocean/wave/surfer thing you wrote made me laugh out loud!

I once had a teacher who recommended acknowledging the thoughts that came up, then picturing them floating away on a cloud. This made me think of Care Bears, because they live on clouds, then of Care Bears doing yoga, so that didn’t really work!

I’ve learned to just go with it. If I can’t relax my mind, then I can’t, no big deal. I can’t make it happen, no matter how hard I try. I might not get the full benefit of savasana, but at least I’m not beating myself up about it. Try it, it can’t hurt 🙂

Brin, the mind can be stopped…but it does take time. My mind has been my worst enemy for a long time. I had to learn to stop it completely and begin to fill it little by little.

You look great by the way! And breathe deeply through the day. Remember the feeling you had this morning while in full pigeon pose…there is no other form of surrender for me.

Have a blessed day Brin!

m.

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