Goodbye Ordinary

Day 3: From Walls to Windows

Posted on: April 3, 2013

If you’re reading this blog and you don’t do yoga, or you haven’t committed to something that really upsets your life routine, it might sound extremely cliche when I (or one of the virtual yogarians) write about this “transformation” we go through. It’s legit.

It’s only Day 3 and I can already feel my mind, body, and spirit changing. Or rather, beginning to open TO that change.

This morning, my son woke up at 5:30, and if he wakes up early in the morning he likes to come in my room and asks if he can cuddle until I get up (and of course he falls back asleep). I had my alarm set for 5:33, and actually felt pretty decent when he woke me up. I got up. Shocking. I got on my way and I was in town at the studio well before the necessary time. I was the first student there! Imagine that.

Knowing me, Kath was surprised to see me there so early. I wasn’t even just there. I was present. But as I told her, I am excited. I am ready. I am in it.

Part of my eagerness was/is from the possibility that there won’t be room for me… I’m so not okay with that. I don’t do well with rejection, especially when it’s not something I can control, and in a way, that’s what happens when there is no more mat space. It’s stressful. I do NOT want to miss an opportunity to practice every day this month. I have needed this too much to sit back and let it be out of my control. So, I’m putting in the extra effort. I’ll be prepared. I’ll be early. I’ll be there. I’ll be present.

Please note: I did not say I am TRYING. I am NOT going to try. I am going to DO IT. That is a very important distinction. (I totally watched “I love you, man” last night, and that was a mantra throughout the movie and the characters growth. Erase “try” from your vocabulary. Saying you will “try”, in a sense is allowing the possibility of failure. At least, that’s the idea they posed in the movie. I agree, because honestly, I don’t believe in failure. Ever. Unless you quit, or do not even make an attempt.)

Back to the point–

It was pointed out to me this morning, that I am very self-aware. I have always known this, and think that most of the times, it’s a great thing. I know that I can be a huge PITA. I know my limits, usually. I know my fears. I know my expectations. I know me.

Sometimes “knowing is half the battle”. Yes, so they say. They fail to mention that the real battle, the kind of battle where you have to play dirty and not take any prisoners, is what you do with that knowledge.

I build walls.

We all do. Some more than others, some with stronger materials than others (think The Three Little Pigs). We all build walls.

We guard ourselves from so much, in fear. It all boils down to fear. If we are not okay with our physical appearance: we wear baggy clothes/make up, whatever = wall. If we are not okay with our emotions: we hide them = wall. If we really love someone, many times, we hold them at arms length because we are vulnerable to them hurting us = wall.

Obviously, all of our walls are different. Different motives, different materials, different thickness, different weather that is going to be wearing on them. We are all different. The root however, is the same. We are guarding. Our hearts, our minds, our bodies. We are shielding ourselves from the pain that we know is practically inevitable if we tear that wall down.

That is where the windows come in. If we build up these barriers around us, we are missing out on SO much. If we don’t let people in, we can’t benefit from their gifts. We can’t accept their love fully, or give them our love completely, if there is a wall between us.

Compromise: Window. Taaaa-daaaaa!

Acknowledge the wall, meet it, be thankful for it’s protection. But know that IT CAN CHANGE. Enlightening. Start with a peep hole. Watch. Wait. When you are ready… make it a bit bigger. Let the light in. Then again. and again. “Find your edge“.

Eventually, it can be a big bay window, letting it all in… Then you can open the glass and breathe in more… and then take out the screen… Until dang, you really just want it ALL.

You do this, little by little, all the time knowing that you can go back. If you need to, you can go back inside, pull the blinds, close the window, make it smaller. You can change.

Self-awareness is the first step. But it’s not the only one.




2 Responses to "Day 3: From Walls to Windows"

I am so glad that you are doing it! If you are going to Kath’s studio, you must live close to Mansfield also. How wonderful!!! another Northeast PA lady 🙂 Good to meet you Brin… 🙂

Yup, I’m a local 🙂 Good to meet you too!

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