Goodbye Ordinary

Lost.

Posted on: March 28, 2013

I hate to admit it, but I have been slacking.

I fell off the wagon and stopped practicing at the UY pace.

I got back into the groove after having went on vacation and took a week off… but then the unthinkable happened and I’ve been simply fighting to exist.

A little back story… though I’m new to the wordpress world, I have had an online presence for years now. I got pregnant with my son in 2007 and found an online community of expectant mothers and joined two groups on Babycenter.com… Pregnant Teenagers & the October 2007 birth board (and then later, the April 2010 birth board). As with any large group, some cliques and spin offs formed from those two larger groups, and I got really close with many women across the world.

One of those groups was about 20 women or so… all due in Oct 07, and we all cloth diapered. We were very very close. We’ve talked for the past 6 years now. I honestly feel closer to them than I do with the majority of my family.

I’ve met a few of the women IRL now, but most I have not. However, that doesn’t make our bond any less. We are able to have a level of intimacy with one another that I have never experienced with friends IRL. We can truly be ourselves, talk of our fears, of anything, and it’s okay. These groups are like a safe haven. We can go, get unconditional love and support when we need it, and turn around and give it back to them when another mom needs it. It’s hard to put our relationship into words.. But to put it simply, it’s amazing. It’s better than family in some ways, because it’s a choice.

A couple weeks ago, there was a post in one of my groups that literally took my breath away. Every parents biggest fear had happened to one of MY friends, MY sister (of sorts). One of our fellow moms lost her child. Her five year old child. A child who was only a week younger than my son. A child who I have watched (through pictures) grow and learn and transform into this amazing little human, with such intelligence, creativity, and love.

My whole world stopped.

Obviously, not in the same way as that mother’s did. But as of that moment, my life wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. Our family lost someone dear to us.

I felt as if I was broken. Sobbing uncontrollably for days, at the smallest thing. Everything made me think of it. Of why. Of how. Of how easily it could have been any one of our children. How easily it could have been MY child. But more importantly that this woman, who I love like my own sister, is now going through something so painfully heartwrenching, and there is hardly anything that I can do to dull that pain.

I have literally felt like I’ve been in a haze. I haven’t been able to make sense of it. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to process the death of a child in my life. I feel defeated, broken, powerless. I am afraid. I am sad. I am emotional.

I went to a yoga class and there were a bunch of warriors in it. I felt like a phony. I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown every moment. With every breath, I was barely holding on. Strength?! Ya right. Right now, I am weak. My soul is aching. I don’t WANT to be strong. I want for this not to have affected someone so close to me. I don’t WANT to go about my life like it didn’t. I don’t WANT to move on. I want to remember. To remember him, his life, everything that his life meant, what all of our childrens’ lives mean. I don’t want to take it for granted.

In the past few weeks, I just couldn’t handle the mind/body connection that yoga provides. Yoga makes us feel so deeply. We feel so much more than we do regularly while we’re distracted. I couldn’t handle that feeling. Every time I’d start to practice alone, it was too much. I wanted to shrink away and just curl into the fetal position. Childs pose was the only pose that didn’t hurt (emotionally).

It’s been two weeks now since I found out about his death and I’m finally back to some sense of “normal”. I’m still emotional. I’m still hurting. But I’m able to function.

I have made an effort to get back on my mat and let some of the feelings in. I can’t make myself be numb forever. I have to figure out how to cope with what i’m feeling and get through this.

I won’t forget. I won’t take this life for granted. I won’t hide.

I’m going to focus on meeting myself where I am; phsyically, mentally, emotionally. That is my intention.

And with that, I will practice. And in practice, I’ll find myself.

-Brin

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2 Responses to "Lost."

I am so sorry for your loss. That is horrible beyond words. I’ve recently been going through some stuff. Nothing in comparison to that. However, I avoided getting on my mat too. I hated what was coming up. I went to a class last night and in frog pose, I actually cried. Not out loud sobbing, but definitely crying. I came home and continued to feel emotional. When I woke up this morning I felt a huge sense of release. Your intention to, “focus on meeting myself where I am; physically, mentally, emotionally” takes courage and it’s hard. I admire you for that. I’ll be sending you some positive vibes even if it’s just through the Internet.

Thank you so much! I’ll send them right back to you. It really is amazing to me how much yoga effects life. It is so much more than exercise. Which is awesome, but sometimes SO hard.

Today is Day 1 of the yoga challenge at the studio I practice at (30 days… every day AT the studio). So, I’m hoping to get some more healing from this month!

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