Goodbye Ordinary

Archive for January 2013

Day 18:
Letting go.

I cried during yoga tonight.

I was mentally writing this post during my entire practice (I know, bad) but now that I’m actually typing, I have no idea what to say.

I guess I’ll start with a confession… I am a very open person. Probably too open. But at the same time, I keep certain things locked away… for  way way too long. So long, that when they finally come to the surface, it’s like a volcano erupting, and it destroys a lot… sometimes everything.

I don’t do it on purpose, to be honest, I even denied doing it for the longest time though my mom ALWAYS swore that I did this. She was totally right. I do. It’s terrible, and I really must find a way to address things as they occur instead of compounding them for so long that there is no repair.

Unfortunately, I’ve caught myself doing it again in my relationship. It’s mostly small things, that all separate aren’t a big deal at all…. but when you hold onto them forever, they snowball, and they all clump together, and then they are monumental, and there isn’t enough time to fix them all before everything is ruined. It’s catastrophic, and it’s ridiculous because it’s 100% preventable.

I need to learn to let things go.

I need to let go of fear, expectation, and accept each moment as it arises: both on and off the mat. I need to let go of the past and be grateful for getting the chance to live, in the now.

I need to not only forgive (which is a HUGE HUGE struggle for me), but I also need to put the wrongdoings aside and not let them taint the picture of the present. History doesn’t have to repeat itself, but it always will if that is where your focus lies.

You have to let it go.

I have to let it go.

This song came on my playlist while practicing tonight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDfk8ye6G0E and it totally hit home.

Namaste,

Brin

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Sometimes, you just have to take a break from your routine,  from your reality, and go back to where it all started.

The beginning of this Ultimate Yogi journey has been challenging, and there for a moment I was slacking and wondering why I am even bothering… So I took a day off of the schedule, and instead I went back to where it all started. Main Street Yoga.

I haven’t been there more than once in the past month and a half or so. I’ve missed it terribly, but for one reason or another, I just haven’t been able to get there. I walked in and saw Kath’s welcoming smile “Oh hey!” It was like returning home from a long vacation.

Finally.

I claimed my usual spot in the front row, and warmed up, excited and ready. Kath promised it’d be a sweet stretchy practice, and she didn’t disappoint. I was very thankful it wasn’t “Strength” because that practice is killer, and until I have the strength of mind thing down, I haven’t been able to go into that practice in a positive way like the first week (when I didn’t know what was coming)… which then, defeats the whole purpose of the practice.

My hips were so fluid and open by the end of the practice, I could have chilled in yoganidrasana a while had I had the time.

I felt rejuvenated and whole.

Sometimes, I think we get terribly lost while trying to reach a destination. We have to remember though, it’s not the destination that’s important. It’s the journey, and sometimes, detours can be the very best part.

Namaste,

Brin

It’s been a few days since my last post.

It really is difficult to keep the commitment of an hour+ of yoga a day, and maintain the blog, so forgive me if it’s sporadic.

Have you ever felt like you’re fighting everything, all the time. Fighting for attention, for recognition, for good/bad, for life, for existence; or even just to fight?

I caught myself in battle mode a few nights ago. I couldn’t quite place it until after yoga last night though.

My mind has been focused on the external factors: Why is everyone being so rude? Why is everyone trying to fight with me about everything? Why do I feel so vulnerable?

But once again… It probably wasn’t everyone else. It’s likely that it’s me. I think so far on my journey, my weaknesses have been coming to the surface. It’s obvious what things are difficult for me, in yoga. My ego, is my biggest weakness, and that’s really hard to admit. I’m a fairly confident person, but I need praise. I need attention. I need to be good at things, or I simply don’t do them.

Last night, my house was freezing so I did my practice in my bedroom instead of the playroom. I don’t know if that was a good or a bad thing (though it was warmer). I have a floor length mirror in there, and the only place my mat would fit, was where I could see myself in that mirror.

That’s when it hit me. In every pose I looked at myself, and I judged. My self conscious was right there, beating me down… and I realized everyone else isn’t trying to fight me. I am. I keep fighting with myself.

So basically, I’m writing this as a way for me to tell myself to give it up. Our biggest critics are in our own minds/bodies/hearts, and we have to let that go and stop the negativity. It truly is useless and just takes up space that could be filled with joy instead.

Now it’s time for Cardio (Day 16).

Namaste,

Brin

Day 10. Strength.

Lets just say today was not my day.

The day in itself was fine, but my practice… it’s literally day and night from yesterday’s practice to today’s. Which is funny, because last week I hated cardio and didn’t mind strength. This week, I loved cario and…well… strength. HA.

I don’t think it was the practice’s fault. It started with bedtime. Oh the joys of bedtime. Little Miss wanted to sleep with her brother but he didn’t want her to. Little Miss wanted her light on but mom is mean and won’t let her keep it on at night (she has a night light she refuses to use, and the hall light stays on). So, what did Little Miss decide to do? Live up to her Diva nickname and scream. For like 10-20 minutes about those two things. Needless to say, I was distracted.

She finally fell asleep and I was tired. I briefly considered just going to bed but I was like… NO. So I popped in the DVD and halfheartedly started. That’s where I went wrong. I should have taken a few minutes first to prepare my mind… But I didn’t. I wasn’t “in” it from the very first down dog. So obviously, it didn’t fare well for the rest of my practice.

It was hard. My arms shook. My legs shook. My poor glut that is extra sore felt like it wanted to scream. I just wasn’t on my game.

But, that’s what this journey is about.

I saw this post today..

and… I suppose, that’s true. And this journey, is part of my life for the next 98 days, so I guess I better embrace the ups and downs right now.

But, I’m still hoping that tomorrow is back on the up.

Namaste,

Brin

Today was a great day.

It was an ordinary day. The same as any other day. But I think I was slightly different.

My alarm went off, I rolled my eyes and snoozed. Same as every morning. Then the little monster man jumped on me… Oh dang. Kid I have 9 minutes until the snooze alarm goes off again! I sighed. Then decided to actually get out of bed BEFORE the snooze alarm. Imagine that!?

I got ready for work, prepared myself for the blistering cold that awaited outside… and off I went to work. The ground is covered in snow. The trees glisten a bit in their snow covered state. The mountainside looked so sleepy and peaceful… Like it was sleeping in.  Go figure.

I got to work and again, it was ordinary. But, somewhere along the morning (pre-coffee even), my mood changed. My muscles still have the sweet sensation of being worked (but not too much). My mind feels rested and alive. I feel… joyful.

I can’t explain why, or how. I just smile; and so I smiled all day.

I didn’t get angry or upset with anyone (for once!). I just smiled.

Thankfully, that even carried into my evening with the kids. On a normal week, I’m ashamed to admit it but, I’m tired when I get home from work and I don’t want to do much of anything. I don’t want to play a game. I don’t really want to be talked at in both ears at the top of your lungs. I just want to chill out.

But not today.

Today I walked in the door and was quickly shown a coloring page of Dora the Explorer, not only by little miss, but by my grampa, who was so proud of how well she did (Seriously, she did AWESOME). Then of course the kids just about tackle me with hugs and kisses and “YOU’RE BACK”. And… I smiled. Granted, that puts a smile on my face every time, but this time it was different.

The boyfriend came over too, so he entertained the kids so I could get cardio done. I was kind of dreading it all day (except not really… I was excited too. I wanted to do better than last week, where it almost killed me.)

I took the day that I’d had, and the joy that I was feeling to my mat. I decided to make the intention that “I’m going to meet each moment as it arises with my whole heart…” (same as always, thanks Kath), “…and in those moments of struggle, I’m going to smile”. Then I started.

I took 2 breaks during this practice, both of them being the last round of one of the vinyasa’s, where I probably *could* have stuck it out, but I wasn’t ready for it, so I used that opportunity to breathe instead. But, when I got to the point in a pose that my mind instinctively was like “um… AHHH DYING….can’t…” or something along those lines… I reminded myself to A. Shut up. and B. Smile.

And I did.

Every time that I put that smile on my face (it wasn’t a fake smile either, and that is important! This was a smile that said “you’re alive, you’re healthy, you’re strong–and getting stronger!, you are ULTIMATE.”) I kept breathing, the pose got easier, and I did it.
I flowed through the vinyasa’s like I never have before. I felt so light and in control. I felt like I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I felt whole.

My love for yoga is still so new, it’s like discovering new things about a lover. And me and yoga… It’s true love. The kind that people blog about.

Namaste,

Brin

One thing Travis said in one of the classes last week was “sometimes you have to be selfish to be selfless” regarding taking the time out of your life to stick to this (very time consuming) program.

I have to admit, I’m pretty selfish when it comes to yoga… well, to be honest, I may be a kind of selfish in many aspects… Maybe not selfish, but I’m one of those Type A personalities… It’s all about me types. I like myself quite a bit. But, I don’t see myself as overly arrogant in a negative way. I’m confident. I grew up moving across the country. I didn’t have best friends. I didn’t have roots. I had my parents… and I had myself. It sounds weird, because I honestly hate to be alone. I’m not an introvert. at all.

So, I’m rambling because my brain is like melted butter in my skull right now.

But anyway, what I’m trying to say, is in yoga, I can focus on myself the entire time. I can go inside and nothing else matters. I can forget about the world. The crazies that hurt innocent people. The shortcomings I have in my own life. The kids’ whining. The mountains of paperwork that I deal with on a regular basis.

For once in my life, I feel like my constant need for attention is fulfilled… by myself. It’s amazing.

Yoga is for YOU. and by you, I mean me. Yoga is *just* for me. 😛

In today’s class (Day 8: Crosstrain & hardCore), I felt strong. I felt beautiful (in spite of the sweat and crazy hair reminiscent of Ursula… or maybe because of it?). I felt grounded and whole. I wasn’t expecting to feel something so deep so early in the journey. But, I did.

 photo IMG_20130121_202728.jpg

Post-HardCore, Pre-Crosstrain

I can only hope it’s just a preview of what is to come in the next 100 days!

Namaste,

Brin

Every day I have a better understanding of just how powerful our minds our. I used to think the “mind over matter” philosophy was a hoax… and I would roll my eyes when it was suggested as advice for a trying time in my life. After all, if it’s so easy to think yourself through it, then we’d all do it.

I was wrong.

With the challenging power yoga classes in The Ultimate Yogi series, I’m getting the evidence that mind over matter really works. There have been a few times that we go into a pose and I think negative thoughts… and immediately, my focus is lost. My strength and endurance are no where to be found, and I lose the pose all together. Then I mentally kick myself. I start thinking… “I can“. Then, luckily, Travis gives me another shot at the pose. I keep telling myself “I can do this. One breath at a time” etc. and guess what? I do it. Granted, not doing a pose is alright. It’s honoring where I am. But, the truth of the matter is, I can do most of these poses, to some extent. We all can. It may not look pretty. It may consist of shaking muscles and dripping sweat; but we can do our own expression of the pose, and little by little we’ll get there. 

I’m trying to remind myself of the “mind over matter” thing in other parts of my life too. It’s a mental workout that is definitely needed in my life, as well as many others.

… As for last night, yesterday was Detox yoga, I loved the practice… so much so that I fell asleep in savasana for the first time ever. Needless to say, I was relaxed to the max. I missed the hardcore add-on though, because by the time I woke up from savasana, all I could do was go to bed for real.

Namaste,

Brin

 


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