Goodbye Ordinary

Day 9: Being selfish to be selfless

Posted on: April 9, 2012

Today’s post is going to be a bit different than my other posts so far. I’m going to talk  more about me and my life. Because well, it’s my blog and I can type whatever I please. Please stop reading now if that crunchy, attachment, touchy-feely, realllly connected to my kids type of parenting offends you. Yes, I’m talking about breastfeeding, actually holding (or even wearing) my children, and *gasp* even co-sleeping.

So, I haven’t talked about my family much, but I’m a mom. I have two super awesome, energetic, insanely adorable kids. A boy, “the monster” that is 4, and a girl “Little Miss/Kitty” *bc she is OBSESSED with cats*, that is 2.

Disclaimer:This post is NOT intended to preach my parenting views, say that they are best, or make any judgments on what type of parenting is “correct”. If you’re actively parenting, you’re rocking it in whatever way is right for you and your family. I commend you for doing so. Also, do not judge me for doing what is best for mine. 🙂

Okay, so back to the important stuff: me (duh).

I started early. I had my whole life planned out, college… med school or chiropractic college (I hadn’t decided yet)… The whole nine yards. Typical 17 year old’s dreams. I wanted a family, someday. I wanted a BIG family actually, someday. But… I never intended to start it so soon. Alas, birth control isn’t 100% effective and obviously I wasn’t abstinent and I wound up pregnant senior year. 17 and pregnant. Awesome. If it had been a few years later, I could have been on an MTV reality show. Darn.

So there went my dreams of going away to college. Med school/chiropractic college went on the back burner of my mind. My focus shifted to my soon-to-be offspring. I stopped being a selfish teenager and I became a [[fantastic]] mother. Well, fast forward two years, I’m about to graduate from community college with my associates and I was an idiot… and hello second pregnancy. You’d think I’d have learned the first time but… apparently not (though, third time’s a charm! I think I’ve finally grasped the concept). I was also in a really shittty abusive relationship and well, it sucked. I ended up moving far, far, away and starting over for me and my children, and continuing with college to get my bachelor’s.

Enough about the depressing back story and lets get back onto the topic…

So, I’m 22 with a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. I’m a college student, and currently am at an internship working 40 hours a week. I’m spread pretty thin this semester. Now to explain why I bring any of this up at all. I’ve been breastfeeding since my son was born. I had 2 months during Little Miss’s pregnancy that he had weaned (at 26 mos) until she was born that I wasn’t nursing. Then Little Miss became a boob addict from the moment she was born, and here we are 24mos old and still a fiend.

On top of that, they won’t. freaking. sleep. in. their. beds. EVER.

Every night I fight to get them to sleep in their room. They usually both give in and go to bed in their beds… But then I wake up sometime in the night to at least Little Miss, more often BOTH of the brats in my bed. GET AWAY FROM ME is all I want to say. I love to cuddle. I do. But, waking up to being smooshed between two sweaty toddlers, or by a 2yo unexpectedly suckling your boob in the middle of the night, or a foot in the stomach/ribs/face of a kid turned sideways and taking up all the room, is NOT my idea of cuddling, or fun, or quality sleep. It’s annoying. and I just want my own space to sleep back!

I know, I know, all you non-parents are sitting there shaking your head “I’ll never let my kid sleep in my bed with me. Especially not when they’re 4.” But, come back and talk to me when you have a full time commitment (school/work), an infant, especially a breastfeeding infant, and haven’t had a good night’s sleep in ohh… since before you got pregnant with your first child.

Being a mother is exhausting from the time that embryo implants until…well, I think until you die. It’s always something. Worry, excitement, beaming with pride, their energy level (when it’s so high just watching them wears you out)… A million other things. But it is also the single most rewarding thing on the planet. At the end of the day, I have my children. They are a bright spot in my life when everything else is gray and blah. They are my reason for getting up each morning and making it through whatever life throws at me. They’re the reason I’m breathing, and the reason that I do yoga.

Little Miss (and yes, that's my bra. She's attached to the boob like usual... thought you should really see how my home life is), me, and the Monster

Yes, yoga is for me too. But, it’s for them. Now here is what this entire post is about. Being selfish to be selfless. I feel really selfish this month taking an hour EVERY DAY in addition to the 40 hours that I am at work to devote to my practice. Then there are also a couple hours that I give to my boyfriend. So, I’m stretching pretty thin this month. You could probably see right through me. However, I fully believe that all of things are necessary in order for me to be the best mother possible to my children.

They need me to be patient, have a clear head, stay calm, be able to breathe through the insanity and not actually rip the hair out of my head. I also think that it is absolutely imperative that as parents we don’t forget about ourselves. We were a person before we had children. We ARE still a person with multiple roles, numerous talents and interests. We are not just “mommy” after we have children. I’m still me. and I shouldn’t have to hide that, or squelch my other interests. I shouldn’t get put into a corner only to forget who I am and then someday when my children are grown, will I then be able to dust off that corner and try to find myself again. That’s ridiculous. So, though I feel selfish for taking this time. It’s necessary for me to do so that I can give myself selflessly to my children. So that I can be a better mom, a better daughter, a better girlfriend… a better ME.

Today Kath talked about the week 2/day 9 “dip” and I can honestly say I haven’t been feeling that. This challenge is like, giving me a 1 hour daily vacation. For that hour I can ONLY focus on me. I can honor Brittany. I can be selfish and selfless at the same time and I can rediscover my body, my breath, and my being.

Though, I might die this week during “Week of the Warrior”. Seriously. I may need CPR… and a masseuse.

I apologize if this was too “ooey gooey” for you. Well no, actually I don’t care too much. But I hope you continue to “follow” even if this wasn’t your favorite.

Until tomorrow, namaste.



8 Responses to "Day 9: Being selfish to be selfless"

NICE Britt! I have seen what yoga has done for you. I remember the first night of class and how unsure you looked as you found your spot on the floor. I sit behind you now and think–wow–she is amazing! You are a warrior!! ❤

Yes I totally remember that first class. I was sooo stressed out I thought I was going to vomit. lol But, I made it through it and fell in love 😛 My anxiety needed a swift kick in the butt.

I remember when the boys were young. I would get a sitter so I could go out for an hour run. It gave me back my peace (and sanity, at times). Every parent must take “self” time; because everyone wins in the end……

You are freaking amazing! I never knew your whole story until now. Wo. Your life is intense, amazing and totally exhausting just to read about, let alone LIVE. I have a whole new respect for what you are doing this month.
Bowing down.

Aww thanks Kath, that’s far from the whole story. Many more hours of drama but that’s the slimmed down version. 😛 Besides, had the past not been what it was I wouldn’t be right where I am today, in this moment. And I rather like where I am so… the past is mostly just history. *hugs*

Hey! I agree, taking care of one’s self helps in taking care of others. Great to see you’re doing well and happy. Your kids look beautiful!
– Vishal

Thanks Vishal! I hope all is going well for you too! We’ve came a long way since highschool 😛

I love this Brittany. What an amazing thing you do everyday being a mom, student, worker and yogi. You are dedicated. Namaste to YOU 🙂

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